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Someday just began...
Sep. 24th, 2003 10:47 pmIn passing: I got a call from my father this afternoon, saying that he was going to have to cancel on plans to come down this weekend. Before saying our goodbyes, I remembered that I'd been wanting a copy of his educational history (both as teacher and as student), and had mentioned this to him before. I reminded him before he hung up, and he said he'd get on it.
I continued to think about the conversation, after we'd said our goodbyes. I'd mentioned the request before, but always in a desultory way; I'd never followed up properly, with an email as a reminder (Dad's sharp, but he is 77, and back-of-the-mind matters do tend to stay there). In thinking about this, I realized that there were several other items on my mental "to do" list that had been there for far too long; some were excusable to lack of funds (August was a nightmare in this department)... but hardly all. I started writing the list out, thinking that I'd have perhaps a page's worth of items.
Two pages later...
It was odd, and dissatisfying, to stare down at this list, and to think of how many items were on a similar list I'd drawn up, just after the turn of the year. I've accomplished a lot this year, met many wonderful people, and reclaimed many things I thought were lost... but those were moments, not part of a continuum. Where had the time gone? Where it always goes, of course. What did I have to show for it? Not enough.
I stared at the list, and thought of where I've been, and where I am now, at the brink of 35. I realized I've been engaging in a great deal of foolish, ultimately pointless behavior in an attempt to distract myself from such thoughts- foolish, as the underlying dissatisfaction never goes away (and an open note to any friends I may have annoyed by such behavior: I'm sorry, and I'm working at changing it). A great many wise friends have said as much to me, in one way or another; I'm one of those odd ducks who has to simply bark his shins against the truth, until I finally realize that ow, this hurts.
Now, I'm sitting here, and thinking of the vast changes my life needs to undergo, and possibilities for effecting them- and listening to Merrily We Roll Along, which may well be the best possible soundtrack for such thoughts. (And,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rm: It was so oddly right that you referenced Angels in America tonight, too. That play is so, so, so much about change- not all of it happy or good, but change, every moment.)
I don't like being the guy who says "nothing" when friends ask what's new, or who writes LJ posts which read like one brief, desultory laundry list after another... and I absolutely despise the effects that this stagnancy has on my personality, from insomnia to depression to all manner of foolish, mildly self-destructive behavior best not indulged in. I have to hold on to that, and to remember that I have effected huge changes before, when necessary- then to do the bloody things, and put shoulder to wheel. It's a large task, to change the course of a life- but what better goal is there?
Details as I have them. For now, wish me luck.
I continued to think about the conversation, after we'd said our goodbyes. I'd mentioned the request before, but always in a desultory way; I'd never followed up properly, with an email as a reminder (Dad's sharp, but he is 77, and back-of-the-mind matters do tend to stay there). In thinking about this, I realized that there were several other items on my mental "to do" list that had been there for far too long; some were excusable to lack of funds (August was a nightmare in this department)... but hardly all. I started writing the list out, thinking that I'd have perhaps a page's worth of items.
Two pages later...
It was odd, and dissatisfying, to stare down at this list, and to think of how many items were on a similar list I'd drawn up, just after the turn of the year. I've accomplished a lot this year, met many wonderful people, and reclaimed many things I thought were lost... but those were moments, not part of a continuum. Where had the time gone? Where it always goes, of course. What did I have to show for it? Not enough.
I stared at the list, and thought of where I've been, and where I am now, at the brink of 35. I realized I've been engaging in a great deal of foolish, ultimately pointless behavior in an attempt to distract myself from such thoughts- foolish, as the underlying dissatisfaction never goes away (and an open note to any friends I may have annoyed by such behavior: I'm sorry, and I'm working at changing it). A great many wise friends have said as much to me, in one way or another; I'm one of those odd ducks who has to simply bark his shins against the truth, until I finally realize that ow, this hurts.
Now, I'm sitting here, and thinking of the vast changes my life needs to undergo, and possibilities for effecting them- and listening to Merrily We Roll Along, which may well be the best possible soundtrack for such thoughts. (And,
rm: It was so oddly right that you referenced Angels in America tonight, too. That play is so, so, so much about change- not all of it happy or good, but change, every moment.) I don't like being the guy who says "nothing" when friends ask what's new, or who writes LJ posts which read like one brief, desultory laundry list after another... and I absolutely despise the effects that this stagnancy has on my personality, from insomnia to depression to all manner of foolish, mildly self-destructive behavior best not indulged in. I have to hold on to that, and to remember that I have effected huge changes before, when necessary- then to do the bloody things, and put shoulder to wheel. It's a large task, to change the course of a life- but what better goal is there?
Details as I have them. For now, wish me luck.
