![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Well, I'm in a mood. People I've known for two years and more are happily carousing in NYC this weekend, and am I with them? Nope- I'm here at home, in front of the comp. I DID get to meet Nisi (a true sweetheart), and see Torq and nun (ditto, times two)... but... aggh.
I wasn't supposed to be here at all this weekend; was supposed to be in metropolitan Lancaster, PA, visiting my mom. The problem is, things between she and I have always been- not "bad", per se- there have been several times where she's been included in family events at my express insistence- but rather, tense. She's the kind of person who cannot handle the least bit of anything she percieves as disappointment or untrustworthiness in others; she once disowned me over the phone for postponing a visit (later recanted), and actually sued her own sister for what Mom decided, somehow, was criminal mismanagement of our grandfather's estate (long story short, she had managed to go through almost $140,000 in less than two years with nothing to show for it- mostly hospital bills and classes she takes- and she decided, somehow, that Aunt Sue was ripping her off based on that.)
Soo... when I plan to go and see her, it can get rather tense. This has been a stressful couple of weeks anyway- lots of travel; my annual review coming up- and it's been much on my mind of late. So, of course- I managed to actually work myself up to the point where I couldn't sleep until will past daybreak last night, and was so keyed up, I just couldn't handle the thought of getting on that train. Happily, my sister and her kids were there (it breaks my heart to think that I won't be seeing them), so it wasn't really all that bad... but my mood had been well and truly spoiled for socializing. It even got to the point where Winter, Torq, nun and myself went to Downtime; after about half an hour, I simply had to split and walk around for several hours; my nerves were simply far too keyed up for doing the social thing, even with some of my best friends :( It's sad- she's my mother; she taught me to read; I owe her so much, and truly love her- but she causes me more stress and agitation than the rest of my life put together. *sighs* I dunno... next life, I'll try being a creche baby...
I wasn't supposed to be here at all this weekend; was supposed to be in metropolitan Lancaster, PA, visiting my mom. The problem is, things between she and I have always been- not "bad", per se- there have been several times where she's been included in family events at my express insistence- but rather, tense. She's the kind of person who cannot handle the least bit of anything she percieves as disappointment or untrustworthiness in others; she once disowned me over the phone for postponing a visit (later recanted), and actually sued her own sister for what Mom decided, somehow, was criminal mismanagement of our grandfather's estate (long story short, she had managed to go through almost $140,000 in less than two years with nothing to show for it- mostly hospital bills and classes she takes- and she decided, somehow, that Aunt Sue was ripping her off based on that.)
Soo... when I plan to go and see her, it can get rather tense. This has been a stressful couple of weeks anyway- lots of travel; my annual review coming up- and it's been much on my mind of late. So, of course- I managed to actually work myself up to the point where I couldn't sleep until will past daybreak last night, and was so keyed up, I just couldn't handle the thought of getting on that train. Happily, my sister and her kids were there (it breaks my heart to think that I won't be seeing them), so it wasn't really all that bad... but my mood had been well and truly spoiled for socializing. It even got to the point where Winter, Torq, nun and myself went to Downtime; after about half an hour, I simply had to split and walk around for several hours; my nerves were simply far too keyed up for doing the social thing, even with some of my best friends :( It's sad- she's my mother; she taught me to read; I owe her so much, and truly love her- but she causes me more stress and agitation than the rest of my life put together. *sighs* I dunno... next life, I'll try being a creche baby...
